in 9 days I’ll “celebrate” my 33rd birthday and my 5th year living in Europe.
“Celebrate” is completely ironic. No problems with living in Europe for 5 years now! Actually that’s the only good thing in the whole story.
But… 33?? I mean, THIRTY THREE!!!!
Well, I am no Christian, but at the age of 33 was Jesus’ life already fucked up! – And that’s how I feel now.
I did nothing notorious in these last 33 years.
My mom used to say, when I was a child: “you’re special. You came to this world to do special things. To shine and to be brilliant and successful and to be a great professional and a memorable person”.
Mom, you were wrong.
I am – and I have always been – an ordinary person, with average intelligence, average appearance and not even talented.
I cannot play any instrument. Or even sing (I have an ugly voice btw). I didn’t write a book. I have an ordinary, average job. I didn’t manage to accumulate wealth. I didn’t get married, I didn’t get annoying loud highly skilled kids, I didn’t build anything. I am not gorgeous or athletic… I didn’t even manage to practice any kind of sport. I never found the way to the high society. I’ve never been famous or notorious for anything I’ve done or for any natural talent or characteristic.
I am just… an ant. Just an ordinary-just-like-everybody-else-ant.
And now almost an ordinary-just-like-everybody-else-33-years-old-ant.
Why is all that for? What for? I am getting old, nothing can change that. I not even have the urge to build or do anything good, just because I won’t be here to see the fruits of my labour. So… there’s no reason to do anything.
Well, that’s it.
Hmmm… and the funny thing is: I’ve written all this shit to a very good friend (who’s also as young as I am), and she answered:
…ok it is all normal to feel like that …
there is no way out unless – you do the James Dean thing
She’s right… she’s totally right! And that’s exactly what I’ll do: I’ll do the same thing James Dean did:

- I’ll dye my hair blond (ok, I know he was natural blond)
- I’ll buy me a cowboy hat
- I’ll spend the rest of my life making sexy faces
… well, what were you thinking? If I cannot be notorious, at least I can have fun!!!
(and consume as much alcohol as I can to forget how cruel time can be!!! *grins*)